When I think of the word STOP, all I can hear is the lyrics from that funky song: “STOP in the naaaame of looove before you breeeak my heart” by Diana Ross.
To be fair, you might end up breaking your own heart if you don’t know about this skill.
That’s because it’s effective in helping you avoid doing dumb stuff that will get you in trouble.
So, I’m going to explain everything to you. By the end of the article, you’ll know the STOP skill and how to use it to manage your emotions and deal with tough situations.
So get your diamante-clad catsuit on and sing it with me!
Table of Contents
What is the STOP Skill in Dialectical Behavior Therapy?
The STOP skill is part of the distress tolerance skills [1] module in DBT. It’s designed to help you in stressful situations by giving you an easy-to-remember bunch of steps to follow. It helps to counter impulsive reactions and overwhelming emotions.
STOP is an acronym. (Yes, DBT LOVES acronyms!)
- S stands for Stop,
- T stands for Take a step back,
- O stands for Observe,
- P stands for Proceed mindfully.
The DBT STOP skill is an example of a skill that you could use when the situation you’re in is outside of your control. We could call this a crisis.
Why do I need to know about the STOP Skill?
Because it can help regulate and manage your emotions in the middle of a crisis.
‘What defines a crisis?’ I hear you shout!
We’ve all been there, but the hallmarks of a crisis would be:
- A short-term stressful & emotionally overwhelming situation
- That makes you want to act on your emotions (even if it will make the situation worse)
- Serious emotional arousal with problems that can’t be solved straight away.
By the way, you don’t have to feel all these things; even one could be enough.
I also don’t expect you to remember all this during a crisis. However, being familiar with some of these feelings will help you understand if you should use the STOP skill and help you avoid impulsive or harmful behaviors.
Remember, distress tolerance skills aren’t for everyday issues or problems, nor are they for solving life problems or making life worth living.
They’re used temporarily to help you through the crisis you’re currently experiencing and provide some emotional regulation.
They’re not really for the longer-term fix that you need. (Ice cream will help you there. Kidding!)
So, with all that being said, let’s examine the stop skill and see how it can help us manage different crises.
S- STOP
This part of the skill helps you by literally freezing you in place.
Don’t react. Don’t do anything. Your emotions might try to make you react to the situation because it’s causing you stress or distress.
But the point of this is to stop. Freeze in place and don’t do anything.
So you might be asking why this is important.
When faced with a distressing situation (an argument, road rage, acting out), your natural inclination is to react to your emotions and feelings. (Yeah, but that clown car cut me up, and they deserved 30 seconds of continuous honking!)
So, if you remember the stop skill and the S part of the skill, you won’t do ANYTHING.
As with all skills, this is best practised when not in the most distressing situation.
You won’t get the full effect until you try it in a distressing situation.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you cause an argument so you can practice this skill, but if you’re aware of it and return to it, it starts to become second nature. (But that clown car deserved it. Ok, get that out of your system now!)
I find this particular skill easier to learn because the first letter of the acronym, STOP, is easy to remember, as is the rest of the acronym.
Don’t do anything. That’s easy, right? Not doing anything is simple. (So is honking my horn. Ok, you gotta drop it, dude. Clowns are people too.)
Ok, what about T?
T – Take a Step Back
T is to take a step back.
So, having stopped yourself from reacting, you’re now going to remove yourself literally or metaphorically (ooh, fancy words). You’re going to take a break.
You’re just going to let go.
This could involve taking a deep breath, checking in with yourself, or observing your feelings.
It doesn’t have to be a literal step away from the situation, but if you have to do that, that’s also perfectly fine.
Walking away is a solution until you’ve calmed down and feel more in CONTROL.
The whole point is that you’re trying to regain some control so that your feelings don’t dictate your actions and you don’t act impulsively. Don’t let the tail wag the dog.
When I’ve used this in the past, my experience has been to walk away from the situation literally.
For instance, I was on holiday in Crete with my family. My uncle and I got into a conversation that I felt passionate about. He was trying to help me see it from a different perspective, but I just saw red when he explained himself.
I couldn’t get why he didn’t see my side of it.
If I had been dialectical, it would have been slightly different because I would have seen both sides of the argument as equally valid.
Further, I would have also said I can feel strongly about this, but I don’t have to act extremely.
Nevertheless, I walked away from the situation while practising the STOP skill.
So rather than say, “F you, Terry, I don’t agree with you,” flip the table we were sitting at and smash my beer over his head, I walked away because that was the best thing for me to do—and also the best thing for the beer—and Terry’s head.
Looking back, I would handle it differently, but this was me then. (I still definitely wouldn’t waste my beer.)
This was six or seven years ago. I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’ve also learned not to be as emotionally invested in conversations with people.
Nevertheless, this part of the skill was very valuable, and you’re not like me, so you will likely have better control than I did.
Just taking a deep breath to calm yourself down and remove yourself slightly from the situation is the step that you’ll need to take. You’ll find that works wonders.
Ok, on to the third part of this skill – Observe. Hear me now!
O is for Observe.
This goes back to mindfulness practice.
The first part of the What Skill is Observe, i.e., observe your feelings and emotions.
If you observe how you feel, you’ll notice feelings or emotions starting to appear when you need to use this skill.
When you do that, you’ll no longer read into the content of the feelings or emotions.
Feelings and emotions are not facts. They’re feelings and emotions.
That’s valuable because you start to take a third-person view of the situation.
You say, “Oh, I’m feeling anger (or anxiety or sadness). It’s interesting that this conversation, this situation, whatever it is, has made me feel that way.”
So you don’t get hung up on reading about why you’re feeling these things and remind yourself of all the other times that you felt those things; you look at the feeling and emotion, not the content.
That’s incredibly powerful in helping you to stop acting on your feelings or emotions.
Another aspect of this is to observe or look at what’s going on around you. What are others saying and doing?
Again, this has the beautiful effect of removing yourself from the situation and distracting yourself. It helps reinforce the fact that acting on your impulses is probably not the most ‘wise mind’ thing to do.
You’ll find that most of the skills always involve some element of observation and description of how you feel or what’s happening around you.
That’s key because it helps you switch gears from reaction to thinking.
So, the skills we learn train us to think about things differently. They give us ways to cope instead of acting in a dysregulated way.
Given all that, the final thing to do is proceed mindfully.
P- Proceed Mindfully
After stopping, taking a step back and observing, the final thing to do is to take some action or to proceed mindfully.
Now, bear in mind that doing NOTHING is still an option.
If you’re being mindful and you’ve observed, this might be your conclusion.
If you’ve, for instance, stepped away from the situation literally and physically, keep walking until you feel a bit better. That’s an option, and that’s okay. You don’t have to go back to the distressing situation.
Again, if you’ve made that decision mindfully and based it on a wise mind perspective, it’s perfectly acceptable.
The whole point is that you’re acting with awareness. So you’ve gone through the process of considering your thoughts and feelings, the distressing situation you’re in, and perhaps the thoughts and feelings of others.
You’ve analysed, you’ve thought about these different perspectives. This is you proceeding mindfully.
You analyse your goals, requirements, and needs based on the situation. And again, you weigh up your options and check in with yourself to see, well, can I go back to the situation I was in? Do I have to? Or can I leave it?
For instance, a situation you can’t easily leave is when you’re on a car journey with a group of people, and an argument erupts. The car is travelling at 60 miles an hour.
You can’t just jump out of the car and go for a walk (please don’t try to either). Sure, you can ask the driver to pull over, but maybe there’s nowhere to pull over.
So you have to tolerate the situation. If you’ve gone through the ‘STO’ in the STOP skill, you analyse and think about the situation from various perspectives.
But in doing so, you’re starting to tolerate the distress this argument in the car is causing you.
In that instance, you could ask your wise mind what actions will make this situation better or worse?
What would make it better is maybe to say nothing, to stop engaging in the conversation or the argument, or to say, “I would like this conversation to finish. I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this right now.”
What would make it worse? Well, probably continuing the argument, shouting, screaming, or maybe throwing a tantrum, whatever the case. Lighting a fire in the car wouldn’t be wise either lol.
So, I guess there’s one key lesson with this skill: just to stop.
You stop, step back from the situation, and think about your feelings. That’s the WHOLE POINT.
STOP Skill in Action – 3 examples
Ok, I think maybe relating this to some real-world examples will help solidify it for you.
Example #1
You’re in a heated argument with a friend over a misunderstanding.
S: Stop! Freeze right where you are, and don’t say another word.
T: Take a step back physically or mentally from the situation. Breathe deeply and give yourself a moment to cool down.
O: Observe your thoughts. What are you feeling? Anger? Betrayal? Recognise what your friend is likely feeling based on their expressions or tone.
P: Proceed mindfully. What do you want from this situation? Engage your wise mind to decide if continuing the argument or seeking understanding is more beneficial.
Example #2
You receive feedback at work that feels harsh and unfair.
S: Stop any immediate defensive response. Hold off on justifying your actions or correcting the other person.
T: Take a step back by pausing and reflecting on the feedback instead of reacting immediately. This might mean stepping out of the room for a moment.
O: Observe the feedback objectively. What are the facts? How are you interpreting these facts? Notice your emotional responses and any physical sensations in your body.
P: Proceed mindfully with a response. After assessing the situation with your wise mind, decide whether to address the feedback constructively now or ask for time to process and revisit the conversation later.
Example #3
You feel a strong impulse to spend money on something expensive and unnecessary after a stressful day.
S: Stop! Do not proceed to checkout online or walk to the cashier.
T: Take a step back from the device or item. Close your laptop or put the item down and walk away.
O: Observe your current state. Are you trying to soothe yourself with retail therapy? What emotions drive your urge to buy: stress, sadness, boredom?
P: Proceed mindfully. Think about the consequences of this purchase. Consult your wise mind for guidance on whether this purchase aligns with your financial goals and true needs.
Wrapping It All Up
So, there you have it. If you need a way to calm yourself down in the moment, the STOP skill can be your go-to.
It’s easy to remember and carry out as well. If you remember the word STOP, you’ll remember the rest of the skill.
Bear in mind this skill is just to help you deal with a tough situation temporarily. It’s not designed to be your way of life.
Give it a whirl. You’ll know it’s working for you if you get through stressful situations without doing something you later regret.
I recommend you try out the TIPP skill, too, if you really want to master tough situations.
References
[1] – https://positivepsychology.com/distress-tolerance-skills/
