DEAR MAN: Ask For What You Want Effectively

Think back to the last time you asked someone to do something for you.

“I asked someone to cut my toenails, but they said take a long walk off a short pier. How rude of that stranger in the street to reply like that”. 

I’m not surprised they declined.

What I mean is what you asked them to do might have caused an argument because of negative consequences. (Yeah, no one wants to cut toenails).

Seriously, though. How did it go? Did you get what you needed? Did they do as you asked?

It can sometimes be difficult to assert yourself constructively to get what you want. 

Advocating for ourselves is a common struggle. Often, we might feel like we’re being walked all over, like a human doormat. 

If that resonates with you, what we discuss today will help you. 

What I’m going to describe is a skill that’s taught in dialectical behavioral therapy. DBT is a form of cognitive behaviour therapy that teaches people skills to deal with life more effectively.

Specifically, it helps with getting and maintaining healthy relationships. Communication is key to that. 

With that, I’d like to introduce a skill called DEAR MAN that helps you ask what you want constructively.

What is the DEAR MAN skill?

DEAR MAN is a framework for improving communication with people to get what you want or need from a situation.

It’s part of the interpersonal effectiveness module in DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy). 

Interpersonal effectiveness skills help you build new relationships, strengthen current ones, deal with conflict situations, and communicate effectively.

They help you effectively ask for what you want and refuse unwanted requests.

This is not about manipulation. It’s a respectful and effective way to resolve conflicts and make requests that uphold relationships.

Each letter in DEAR MAN represents an action you’re supposed to take. 

What does DEAR MAN stand for?

DEAR MAN is an acronym for:

• Describing (the situation), 
• Expressing (yourself), 
• Asserting (yourself), 
• Reinforcing (your needs),
• staying Mindful, 
• Appearing confident, 
• being willing to Negotiate.

How does DEAR MAN work?

The most effective way to understand the skill is to examine how each part of the acronym is applied, so let’s do that.

I’ve bolded the part of the acronym we’re looking at in each part of the example.

Describe the situation simply. Stick only to the facts. Don’t express your feelings or ask for anything. You’re just setting up the conversation using facts at this point.

Why do we start here? 

The person you’re talking to probably isn’t aware of the situation leading up to your request. So, by describing it factually, you’re helping them understand the context.

Consider an example: Say it’s your housemate’s turn to do the dishes; they’ve been piling up for three days.
Using Describe: “Hey x. It’s your turn to do the dishes, and I noticed you haven’t done them in three days.”

Express how you feel using “I” statements.

An “I” statement shows you taking accountability and can help the other person avoid getting on the defensive.

Why this? Expressing your feelings about the situation you’ve just described is important. This will help the other person understand where you’re coming from.

Using Express: “Hey X. It’s your turn to do the dishes, and I noticed you haven’t done them in three days. I feel frustrated because I’ve had to do them multiple times this week already.”

This way, you communicate your feelings while taking responsibility for your emotions, which helps the other person understand your perspective without feeling attacked.

To “assert” your needs means asking for what you want clearly and firmly. Don’t limp on two opinions here—be straightforward, honest, and frank. Don’t be rude; just be transparent and honest. It’s okay to be a broken record with this.

Why This? Other people aren’t mind readers. You may think it’s obvious what you want, but the other person may have no clue.

We all live in our own worlds sometimes. Remove any ambiguity and just clearly ask what you want.

Assertive communication is okay once it’s done the right way.

Using Assert: “Hey X. It’s your turn to do the dishes, and I noticed you haven’t done them in three days. I feel frustrated because I’ve had to do them multiple times this week already. I need you to do the dishes tonight.” 

By clearly stating your need, you provide a specific and actionable request, which makes it easier for the other person to understand and fulfil your request.

Reinforce by ensuring the other person knows why they should do what you ask.

Why this? Reinforcing reminds the person that there’s something in it for them, too. This can help build on your relationship with them.

Using Reinforce: “Hey X. It’s your turn to do the dishes, and I noticed you haven’t done them in three days. I feel frustrated because I’ve had to do them multiple times this week already. I need you to do the dishes tonight. If you do them, it will help keep our living space clean and make things more pleasant for both of us. Plus, I’ll be more willing to help when you need a favour.”

By highlighting the positive outcomes, you show the other person how meeting your request benefits the overall situation, making them more likely to comply.

Stay focused on the task at hand. If the person you’re talking to gets defensive, keep the conversation on course.

Why this? We all get distracted easily, especially if our situation is uncomfortable. However, if the conversation goes off course, you reduce the chances of getting what you need.

Using stay Mindful:

​​You: “Hey, X. It’s your turn to do the dishes, and I noticed you haven’t done them in three days. I feel frustrated because I’ve had to do them multiple times this week already. I need you to do the dishes tonight. If you do them, it will help keep our living space clean and make things more pleasant for both of us. Plus, I’ll be more willing to help when you need a favour.”

Housemate: “Why are you always on my case about the dishes? I’ve had a really busy week, and it’s not like you’re perfect either. Sometimes, you leave your stuff around, too!”

You: “I understand you’ve had a busy week, and I appreciate that. However, both of us need to keep the place clean. The dishes still need to be done. Can you please do them tonight?”

This part of the skill might be easy to overlook, but it’s probably the most challenging. 

Why? 

When you use DEAR MAN, you may face a reaction like the one above. 

So, it’s important to stay mindful and focus on what you want to get out of this if that happens.

Present yourself as though you feel confident, even if you don’t. Keep your head up, make direct eye contact, and speak clearly and loudly.

Why this? When you appear confident, it signals to others that what you want shouldn’t be hard to give. Confidence can also make you seem a harder person to turn down.

Using Appear Confident: Displaying confidence during your conversation with your housemate conveys decisiveness and assertiveness.

Achieve this by maintaining eye contact, staying focused on the conversation, remaining calm rather than reactive, and articulating your points clearly.

Remember, you’re not demanding something; you’re asking for it. 

Sometimes, you have to give to get. Maybe you’ll have to change your request to make it more appealing. Talk about how to resolve the problem together. 

Eventually, you’ll find a solution that works for both of you.

Why this? Hearing each other out is vital in a relationship. When you’re willing to negotiate, you show you care about the other’s feelings and opinions.

Using Negotiate: “Hey, I understand you’ve had a hectic week and doing the dishes might have slipped your mind. How about we devise a plan to make it easier for both of us? Maybe we can alternate weeks or set a reminder on our phones. What do you think?”

In this example, you acknowledge the other person’s situation, propose a compromise, and invite their input to find a solution that works for everyone. This approach helps maintain the relationship while effectively addressing the issue.

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DEAR MAN Examples

Okay, let’s look at some more examples. I think that’s where the real learning in this skill can be seen. I find it easier to learn about something when I have practical examples. Hopefully, you’re the same!

Example 1: Asking Your Boss for Time Off

Situation: You want to ask your boss for a few days off work for a personal matter.

DEARMAN:

Describe: “I’ve noticed that I haven’t taken any time off in the past six months, and I’ve been working on multiple projects with tight deadlines.”

Express: “I’m feeling quite overwhelmed and think taking a few days off would help me recharge and come back more focused.”

Assert: “I’d like to request three days off next week to take care of some personal matters and to rest.”

Reinforce: “If I can have this time off, I’ll be able to return to work more productive and with a clearer mind, which will benefit our current projects.”

MAN:

Mindful: If your boss responds with concerns about workload, acknowledge their point and calmly remind them of your request and its importance for your well-being.

Appear Confident: To show that you are serious about your request, maintain eye contact, speak clearly, and avoid fidgeting.

Negotiate: “I understand that next week is busy. If those days don’t work, perhaps I could take off the following week or split the days over two weeks?”

Example 2: Asking a Friend to Return Borrowed Tools

Situation: You lent some tools to a friend a while ago, and they haven’t returned them yet.

DEARMAN:

Describe: “A few weeks ago, I lent you my drill and toolbox when you were working on your home project.”

Express: “I’m feeling a bit concerned because I need them back for my own project this weekend.”

Assert: “Could you please return the tools to me by Friday?”

Reinforce: “I’d appreciate it, and I’m happy to help you with any future projects where you might need them again.”

MAN:

Mindful: If your friend starts discussing their busy schedule, gently steer the conversation back to returning the tools by the specified date.

Appear Confident: Speak calmly and clearly, showing that you are serious about needing the tools back.

Negotiate: “If returning them by Friday is difficult, can we arrange a time that works best for you to drop them off or for me to pick them up?”

Example 3: Texting a Friend Who Hasn’t Replied

Situation: A friend hasn’t replied to your texts for several days, and you feel ignored.

DEARMAN:

Describe: “I’ve sent you a few texts over the past week, and I haven’t heard back from you.”

Express: “I’m feeling a bit worried and confused because we usually chat more frequently.”

Assert: “Could you let me know if everything is okay and if you have been receiving my messages?”

Reinforce: “It would really help me understand what’s going on, and I’d appreciate staying connected as we usually do.”

MAN:

Mindful: If they respond defensively or explain they’ve been busy, acknowledge their situation but gently remind them of your concern.

Appear Confident: Keep your tone clear and direct in the text, showing that you genuinely care and are not just annoyed.

Negotiate: “If you’re busy, that’s completely understandable. Just a quick message to let me know would be appreciated, or we can catch up when you’re free.”

Example 4: Telling Your Sister You Won’t Attend Her Party

Situation: You need to tell your sister that you won’t attend her party because her excessive drinking is a trigger for you.

DEARMAN:

Describe: “I’ve been to a few of your parties where there was a lot of heavy drinking.”

Express: “I feel very uncomfortable and anxious in those situations because I find excessive drinking to be a trigger for me.”

Assert: “I won’t be able to attend your party this weekend because of this.”

Reinforce: “I hope you understand my need to care for myself, and maybe we can catch up in a different setting soon.”

MAN:

Mindful: If she gets upset or defensive, acknowledge her feelings but stay focused on your need to avoid triggers.

Appear Confident: Speak calmly and maintain your stance, showing that this is an important issue for your well-being.

Negotiate: “Perhaps we can have a quiet lunch together next week instead? I’d still love to spend time with you in a different environment.”

Example 5: Asking an Employee to Address You Respectfully

Situation: An employee has been speaking to you disrespectfully in front of clients.

DEARMAN:

Describe: “During our last few meetings, I noticed that you raised your voice and used a disrespectful tone when addressing me in front of our clients.”

Express: “I feel disrespected and concerned about how this might affect our professional image and team morale.”

Assert: “I need you to speak to me respectfully in front of clients and team members.”

Reinforce: “If we can maintain a respectful tone, it will create a more positive work environment and reflect well on our professionalism.”

MAN:

Mindful: If the employee becomes defensive or dismissive, acknowledge their perspective but reiterate your request for respectful communication.

Appear Confident: Maintain a steady tone, make eye contact, and communicate your expectations clearly.

Negotiate: “If there’s an issue causing frustration, let’s discuss it privately to find a solution. I’m open to hearing your concerns.”

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DEAR MAN Role Play Examples

If you’re looking for ideas on practising DEAR MAN in DBT Group therapy, these role plays will help. The idea is to have two or more participants act out the role play.

I suggest having the participants switch roles and act out both sides of the situation to familiarise themselves with both sides of the argument.

You are speaking to your friend. 

You do not want to go to a party with them this weekend.

You are speaking to your mother or father. 

You want to stay out past your curfew.

You are speaking to your teacher. 

You want to re-do an assignment you did poorly on.

You are speaking to your brother/sister. 

You want them to loan you something of theirs.

You are speaking to a girl or boy you like. 

You want them to go on a date with you.

You are speaking to your probation officer. 

You want them to recommend you be taken off probation at your next review hearing.

You are speaking to your boss. 

You want them to increase your hourly pay.

You are speaking to your boyfriend/girlfriend. 

You want to say no to them wanting more physically than you are comfortable giving.

You are speaking to your mother or father. 

You want them to buy you a new pair of shoes.

You are speaking to your teacher. 

You want an extension on an assignment you did not have a chance to complete.

Tips for Therapists:

• Set Clear Objectives:
  • Explain the purpose of the role play and what you hope the participants will learn or practice.
  • Outline the specific skills being targeted, such as describing the situation, expressing feelings, asserting needs, and reinforcing the request.
• Create a Safe Environment:
  • Ensure the setting is comfortable and private.
  • Emphasize confidentiality and respect to encourage open and honest participation.
• Provide Guidance:
  • Before starting, offer a brief overview of the DEAR MAN technique and its components.
  • Use clear and straightforward language to explain each step.
• Use Examples:
  • Demonstrate the DEAR MAN technique with a couple of examples.
  • Show both effective and ineffective ways of using the technique to highlight key points.
• Encourage Feedback:
  • After each role-play, provide constructive feedback.
  • Encourage participants to reflect on their performance and share their thoughts on what went well and what could be improved.
• Be Patient and Supportive:
  • Recognize that participants may feel anxious or self-conscious.
  • Offer positive reinforcement and gentle guidance to build their confidence.
• Adapt to Individual Needs:
  • Be flexible in your approach; participants may have different comfort levels and learning styles.
  • Adjust the difficulty of the role plays based on the participant’s progress and confidence.

Tips for Participants:

• Understand the DEAR MAN Technique:
  • Familiarize yourself with the DEAR MAN components: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate.
• Practice Active Listening:
  • Focus on truly understanding the other person’s perspective.
  • Use reflective listening to ensure you’re accurately hearing their concerns.
• Stay Calm and Composed:
  • Take deep breaths and maintain a calm demeanour throughout the role play.
  • Remember that this is a practice session, and it’s okay to make mistakes.
• Use “I” Statements:
  • When expressing your feelings, use “I” statements to take ownership of your emotions and avoid sounding accusatory.
• Be Specific and Concrete:
  • When describing the situation and asserting your needs, be clear and specific.
  • Avoid vague language and focus on concrete facts and requests.
• Rehearse in Advance:
  • Practice the DEAR MAN technique independently or with a friend before the session.
  • Familiarity with the process will help you feel more confident during the role play.
• Embrace the Learning Process:
  • Understand that learning and practising new skills takes time and effort.
  • Be open to feedback and view mistakes as opportunities for growth.
• Ask for Clarification:
  • If you’re unsure about any aspect of the DEAR MAN technique, don’t hesitate to ask the therapist for clarification.
  • Understanding the process thoroughly will enhance your practice.
• Reflect on Your Experience:
  • After each role-play, take a moment to reflect on your performance.
  • Identify what worked well and areas where you can improve.
• Be Patient with Yourself:
  • Recognize that developing new communication skills is a journey.
  • Celebrate your progress and be kind to yourself as you learn and grow.

That’s a wrap

There you have it!

Remember that you can do a perfect DEAR MAN and still not arrive at the resolution you thought you might. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use DEAR MAN to help you get what you need. 

It’s a valuable tool if you struggle with communicating effectively with others and feel that you’re easily walked over. 

Here are a couple of things to recap. 

Remember, stick to the facts, don’t interpret. Just relay the situation as it happened. 

Don’t limp on two opinions; get straight to the point and let the person know how you feel. Remember not to be rude; you’re still sticking to the facts. 

When you stay mindful, you focus on the task and don’t get distracted, even if the situation is uncomfortable.

If you master these parts of this skill, you’ll find it will work well for you. 

But the important thing is to keep going even if this doesn’t work perfectly the first time. 

Please give it a whirl and see how you get on.

Sean