- Radical Acceptance is entirely and totally accepting with our mind, body, and spirit that we cannot change the present facts, even if we do not like them.
- Radical Acceptance is not about approval or giving up; it recognises that denying the facts of reality will not change them but only keep us trapped in thoughts like “This is unfair,” “Why me?” and “Why now?”
- It is a ‘skill’ from a CBT-based therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) designed to keep pain from turning into suffering.
- In essence, radical acceptance teaches that by accepting and living in the present moment and allowing ourselves to feel pain, we can stop ourselves from becoming stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, and sadness.
Okay, let’s step back with all that out of the way. I just wanted to tell you quickly and succinctly what radical acceptance is, but that’s not an actual introduction. So here goes.
Very often in life, we’re presented with different situations, troubling circumstances, and traumas that, if we cling to them and keep reliving them, will only cause us more pain.
Maybe you’ve already faced something like that, and I’m sorry that happened to you.
So today, I want to discuss a skill that not only helps you accept the past and the things that have happened to you or are happening to you but also ultimately helps you heal and live with that trauma and distress in your life.
I understand this can be a sensitive topic because of the different things that can happen to us, but please read through the article with me.
Take your time to digest the different points being made. If you do, you’ll find that this skill will help rather than hinder you.
Know that adopting this skill is an ongoing process. You’ll never be finished doing it because more and more things will happen that you’ll have to accept to move on and heal radically.
Remember, don’t be hard on yourself; you can never perfectly master this skill; the point is to try it. It’s progress, not perfection, after all.
So, if you’re ready, come with me. Let’s link arms, as it were, so we can go through this together.
Table of Contents
What’s wrong with avoiding pain?
Avoiding pain, particularly over the long term, often results in feelings of bitterness, guilt, anger, resentment, and shame. Radical acceptance allows us to make necessary choices without the additional suffering caused by these negative emotions.
Illustrate it for me cos I don’t get it.
Ok, radical acceptance is like trying to untangle a knotted necklace. The more you pull and tug at the knots, the tighter and more frustrating they become.
However, you can eventually free the necklace when you step back, relax, and gently work through the knots.
Similarly, when we resist reality—by denying it or trying to change what can’t be changed—we only increase our suffering and feel more “stuck.” We can make better choices by pausing, taking a breath, and acknowledging the situation.
While you might not be able to change a stressful situation, you can always change how you feel and respond to it. (Except when you stand on Lego. That’s always going to suck!)
What does Radical Mean?
It is called “radical” because it requires complete and total acceptance, which goes against the grain.
This means accepting your situations with your whole being—mind, body, and spirit. It is challenging and painful because it involves acknowledging truths we may not want to face.
However, we free ourselves by focusing on what we can control versus what we cannot. This frees up the energy we are using to fight circumstances and helps us use it to cope with the situation and take care of ourselves effectively.
Think of it like dealing with a traffic jam: You can’t accept heavy traffic without acknowledging that you’ll be late for your destination.
Accepting that you’re stuck in traffic while fuming at other drivers or blaming the city planners is not radical acceptance.
Instead, it’s about recognizing the traffic jam for what it is and deciding how to make the best of your time without adding layers of anger or frustration. (Gotta love those roadworks, right? The job isn’t done unless there’s 8 guys holding shovels looking into a hole)
Where does Radical Acceptance come from?
Now, I wouldn’t usually ask or answer this question. But it’s important because if you’re learning about DBT, radical acceptance is a core concept to help you not only cope with the life that you have but also learn to accept your realities.
This skill originated from a type of therapy called DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). It was introduced by Marsha Linehan when she incepted or created the concept of DBT in the 1980s and 1990s.
It is part of the distress tolerance module in DBT, which helps you handle difficult situations without resorting to harmful behaviours.
The skill helps you make peace with things that cannot be changed, such as past events, current circumstances, or other people’s behaviours. By doing so, it reduces suffering despite pain and challenges.
When you accept a situation, you learn to let go of bitterness and recognize that struggling against what is already happening only leads to more pain.
Radical acceptance is essential in DBT, as it emphasizes non-attachment to pain and emotions and finding a balance between making changes and accepting life as it is, not judging it how you think it should be.
There’s a lot to unpack here – keep reading; more will be revealed!
How can I use Radical Acceptance?
In big ways
It is most often used for significant events like trauma. These are the most challenging situations to accept, but the most important because of how they affect your life.
It’s essential to accept that what happened to you happened. Ultimately, denying it doesn’t help you (even if that seems natural) because you’re just pushing away the situation and not learning to live with it.
While the traumatic event was likely not your fault, it is your responsibility to live with it. When you feel safe, open up to the facts of what occurred.
Another aspect of radically accepting trauma is recognizing that you can still have meaning, not despite what happened, but including it.
You can still have meaningful life not despite, but including, the trauma.
It is part of your story, but it doesn’t define you. You matter and can still build and live a life that you value, even though that event is part of your past.
Radically accepting trauma is the most challenging form of radical acceptance. It may take years to reach this point. The effects of trauma can be overwhelming, so ensure you feel safe before engaging in this kind of acceptance practice.
Please don’t take any of what I’m saying to mean that your trauma is not acknowledged or that it didn’t happen. It’s just that radically accepting the idea that it happened to you is a way to pursue peace for the event(s) and the trauma that followed. We all need peace in our lives.
In small ways
It doesn’t only apply to big traumas (even though that’s when it’s most often used). You can apply it to the minor issues and inconveniences as well. When we don’t, our mood can take a hit.
Think about all the little things that drag you down during the day. Maybe you spilt coffee grounds all over the kitchen, or the line at the burger van was super long.
These little things might have made you angry or upset, and you could’ve dwelled on them for hours (I prefer hotdogs, thank you very much).
Imagine what else you could have focused that energy on instead.
When we radically accept these little setbacks, we free our minds to focus on more pleasant or productive activities.
Perhaps you could have been more present in whatever you were doing – even if that was elbowing the person trying to cut in front of you at the burger van! (Kidding, or am I!?)
Next time, try taking a step back, breathing, and reminding yourself, ‘It is what it is.’ Accept that this inconvenience happened.
Don’t judge the emotions it brought up. Acknowledge it, say, ‘Oh well,’ and move on.
This mindset can help prevent a lot of daily suffering.
It is what it is. Oh well.
Download the FREE Radical Acceptance Worksheet To Work On This By Yourself or In Therapy
What Radical Acceptance is NOT
Let’s take a moment to discuss what Radical Acceptance isn’t because that’s also important.
It is not putting your “stamp of approval” on injustice or a painful event, passively laying down, or throwing your hands up and “giving in.”
It is not waving a white flag and surrendering.
It is not condoning what happened to you.
It is not pretending that the pain never occurred.
It is not acting like it never happened.
So, remember, Radical Acceptance is completely accepting that we cannot change the present facts, even if we do not like them. But equally, we don’t ignore what happened either.
Why is Radical Acceptance Necessary?
There are a variety of reasons why radical acceptance is essential. Again, I’m covering just a few to highlight some ideas for you to leave with.
You might find that you resonate better with some of these than others, and that’s okay; whatever you find works best.
This isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list of the reasons why it’s important; it’s just some key takeaways.
Enhances Coping Skills: The skill frees up energy you would otherwise spend fighting the present situation. This energy can then be directed towards coping strategies and self-care, helping you manage difficult situations more effectively.
Improves Mental Health: Regular skill practice can help reduce anxiety and depression by promoting a realistic and balanced perspective on challenges. It prevents you from getting stuck in negative thought patterns like “Why me?” or “This is unfair.”
Promotes Inner Peace: Acceptance of reality often leads to a deep sense of calmness and peace, even in difficult situations. This peace comes from acknowledging that while you may not like or approve of the problem, you recognize it as it is and let go of the struggle against it.
Enables Growth and Resilience: Accepting brutal truths opens the door to personal growth and resilience. Acceptance helps you adapt to new circumstances and find ways to move forward, even when faced with significant challenges.
Prevents Stagnation: Practising radical acceptance prevents you from becoming stuck in a cycle of resistance and denial. It helps you overcome the initial shock and distress, allowing you to progress and make positive changes.
Supports Realistic Expectations: By recognizing and accepting your control limitations, you set more realistic expectations for yourself and others. This can reduce disappointment and frustration when things don’t go as planned.
How Do I Know If I’m Not Radically Accepting?
Paying attention to your thoughts can help you recognize when you’re fighting reality. “Should” statements are usually a clue.
Examples include: “It shouldn’t be this way,” “This shouldn’t be happening to me,” “ I shouldn’t be this way,” or “ I shouldn’t have done that.”
Notice that there’s an underlying judgment in these thoughts. There is a hidden belief that things should be different. Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in bitterness, shame, anger, unhappiness, and guilt.
Look out for the following:
Thought Patterns:
I can’t handle this.
This isn’t fair.
It shouldn’t be this way.
I can’t believe this is happening.
This is wrong.
Things need to be different.
Why is this happening to me?
Feelings and Behaviors:
You blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life.
You feel stuck and believe you can’t improve your situation.
You wish circumstances were different but feel helpless.
You are angry at the world.
You turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as excessive drinking or substance use.
Relationship Patterns:
You constantly criticize your partner, hoping they will change.
You are frequently disappointed by the decisions others make.
You feel resentful about past events.
You tend to hold onto grudges.
Remember, the solution is to accept what’s happened or is happening radically. Don’t be hard on yourself or judge yourself for struggling. This is a tough concept to grasp and takes a lot of practice.
Remember to self-soothe, take time out for mindfulness practice, and return to it. It’s progress, not perfection. Take it one day at a time.
Download the FREE Radical Acceptance Worksheet To Work On This By Yourself or In Therapy
Examples of Practicing Radical Acceptance
Okay, I’ve got three examples coming up. I’ve tried to make them realistic and give you the perspective of what these people felt when they went through it.
I took these examples from the podcast DBT and Me, specifically the episode on Radical Acceptance. I highly recommend you listen to the podcast because Kate and Michelle offer fantastic guidance and advice on DBT skills, not just radical acceptance.
Example 1: Dealing with Infertility
Scenario: Kate, one of the therapists, discovers she is infertile and will not be able to have children through natural means.
Steps to Radical Acceptance:
Observe Questioning Reality:
Kate notices thoughts like “This can’t be happening to me” and “Why can’t my body work the way it’s supposed to?”
Remind Yourself of Reality:
She acknowledges the medical facts that her ovaries are not functioning and that she is in premature menopause.
Acknowledge Causes of Reality:
Even though the exact cause is unknown (idiopathic), she accepts that there is a medical reason behind her infertility.
Practice Accepting with the Whole Self:
Kate engages in mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, to help her body and mind accept her situation.
Practice Opposite Action:
Despite the grief, she starts researching alternative ways to have children, such as adoption or using a donor egg, acting as if she has accepted her infertility.
Cope Ahead with Unacceptable Events:
She imagines herself going through the process of adoption or other methods, rehearsing how she would feel and what steps she would take.
Attend to Body Sensations:
Kate notices her body’s physical tension and emotional pain and uses relaxation techniques to address these sensations.
Allow Emotions to Arise:
She allows herself to feel the deep grief and disappointment without judgment, understanding these emotions are a natural part of her acceptance process.
Acknowledge That Life Is Worth Living:
Kate reminds herself that life is still meaningful and worth living, even with this painful reality. She finds purpose in other areas of her life.
Use Pros and Cons:
She weighs the pros and cons of accepting her infertility versus continuing to deny it. She realizes that acceptance will free up energy to explore new possibilities for having children and finding joy in life.
Example 2: Abandoning a Professional Dance Career
Scenario: Michelle, the other therapist, has to give up her dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer due to a hip injury.
Steps to Radical Acceptance:
Observe Questioning Reality:
Michelle recognizes thoughts like “I can’t believe this is happening” and “Why did this have to happen to me?”
Remind Yourself of Reality:
She acknowledges the medical reality that her hip injury prevents her from dancing professionally.
Acknowledge Causes of Reality:
Michelle accepts that her injury results from rigorous dance training and genetic factors affecting her hip.
Practice Accepting with the Whole Self:
She uses mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and body scans, to help her mind and body accept the limitations imposed by her injury.
Practice Opposite Action:
Even though it’s painful, Michelle starts exploring other career paths, such as becoming a therapist and acting as if she has accepted the end of her dance career.
Cope Ahead with Unacceptable Events:
She visualizes herself thriving in a new career, rehearsing how to handle the transition and the emotions involved.
Attend to Body Sensations:
Michelle pays attention to her body’s physical pain and emotional stress, using relaxation exercises to manage these sensations.
Allow Emotions to Arise:
She allows herself to grieve the loss of her dream, feeling the sadness and disappointment fully without pushing it away.
Acknowledge That Life Is Worth Living:
Michelle reminds herself that life can still be fulfilling and meaningful, even without a dance career. She finds new purpose and passion in helping others as a therapist.
Use Pros and Cons:
She considers the pros and cons of accepting her situation versus denying it. She realizes that acceptance will enable her to find a new, rewarding career and prevent prolonged suffering.
Example 3: Coping with Daily Inconveniences
Scenario: You spill coffee grounds all over your kitchen in the morning, causing frustration and delaying your day.
Steps to Radical Acceptance:
Observe Questioning Reality:
Notice thoughts like “This shouldn’t be happening” and “Why does this always happen to me?”
Remind Yourself of Reality:
Acknowledge that the coffee grounds have spilt; it’s an inconvenience that must be dealt with.
Acknowledge Causes of Reality:
Accidents happen; spilling coffee grounds is a minor but inevitable part of life.
Practice Accepting with the Whole Self:
Use deep breathing to calm yourself, accepting the situation without letting it ruin your mood.
Practice Opposite Action:
Instead of staying frustrated, clean up the spill while reminding yourself to stay calm and present.
Cope Ahead with Unacceptable Events:
Mentally rehearse how you would handle similar small mishaps in the future with calmness and acceptance.
Attend to Body Sensations:
Notice any physical tension or stress in your body and use relaxation techniques to release it.
Allow Emotions to Arise:
Allow yourself to feel the initial frustration, then let it go, recognizing it as a natural reaction.
Acknowledge That Life Is Worth Living:
Remember that a minor inconvenience like spilling coffee doesn’t significantly impact your life’s value and enjoyment.
Use Pros and Cons:
Weigh the pros and cons of staying upset about the spill versus accepting it and moving on. Recognize that acceptance will help you conserve energy and maintain a positive mood.
Radical Acceptance Exercises
At the bottom of this section is a worksheet you can download. It involves writing down what’s bothering you, helping you understand your reality, and finally accepting it.
On the first sheet, list what’s bothering you and your explanation of the reality. Think about realities you have to accept as opposed to judgments. What events led to this reality?
On the second sheet, you’ll be asked to reflect on your reality, how you acknowledge it and how you can embrace it. You’ll also examine how your attitude and behaviours might change if you embrace reality.
You can use the worksheet repeatedly if you have a list of challenging situations you’d like to work through.
Download the FREE Radical Acceptance Worksheet To Work On This By Yourself or In Therapy
Time to wrap it up
Well, if you’ve made it this far, thank you. Thank you for reading this post; I hope you’ve benefited from it.
At this point, the only other thing to say is, please try this skill. Don’t give up on yourself because of past trauma or complex events that you’re living through.
Your life can improve, and I promise it will. Skills like these can really help you do that.
Just don’t give up hope. That’s the main thing.
I’ve got many other interesting articles on this blog, and I’ll list a few below that I think might be applicable for you to continue reading.
Please subscribe to the newsletter if you find this content valuable, and go ahead and download some of the worksheets. As always, I wish you well and, hopefully, the best in your future job.
Take a look at the ACCEPTS skill or WIllingness and Half-Smile next. Both of these are included in the distress tolerance module of DBT and will help you improve the moments you’re in by tolerating them.
